Feeling so low today. Zafran's been sick for two days now and it's last day of my help working here. She's been with us since I don't know... two years ago? It's been up and down with her, but I made commitment to take care of my son by myself... so yeah. I have no idea that my life will turns out like this, dramatically. I have a dream, big dream, but now... let's enjoy this silence for a while. I think maybe it will help me to recognize myself as a human being, as a mother and as a wife. I promise that I will help, help and help a lot people as much as I can, as many as possible. With God's will, insha Allah.

Jujur aja, saking lamanya (walaupun posting terakhir baru bulan Juni sik) ngga nulis disini, memulai lagi itu seperti lagi menjemput sesuatu di dunia lain (cue to Stranger Things, have you watched it? It's so awesome!) A LOT of THINGS have changed lately, dan jujur menulis blog itu berubah dari suatu kesenangan menjadi suatu kewajiban. It's getting so bad, isn't it? June and July this year is been the worst, I am crying a lot, I am cursing a lot, but in the end I am starting to think and contemplate. I have no idea whether I've discussed this thing here, but being adult, you have sooo many responsibilities, it's sometimes overwhelming you. Bills, kids, parents, money, money, money... In the end, tau sih, ya udahlah ya jangan dipikirin, dijalanin aja. I know, I know, but sometimes, it makes you wonder how tiring it is, right? Or it's just me?

Jadi, kabar terbarunya, saya officially udah jadi ibu rumah tangga! Yay? A lot of consideration being put to this decision, especially when you are not born with silver spoon. A lot of what if, and scary thought, dan ini dan itu. Belum lagi banyak pihak yang tidak mendukung (I know, as my husband said, udahlah gak usah terlalu didengerin, yang penting kan aku mendukung, but stiiiill...), tetapi kondisinya udah gak bagus lagi. Dan, alasan nomor satu saya berhenti kerja, bukan karena anak looooh. Hahaha, yes, mengasuh anak sendiri played big part in my decision, but my number one reason is I am so tired. Don't start me with kerja itu memang capek, karena yes it is, but this thing had eaten me up until I couldn't breathe. Padahal pada dasarnya saya suka sekali kerja loh. Anyway, no need to explain lah ya, intinya hello jobless.

Jadi gimana? Hahahha, the useless feeling is unbearable! Belum sampai ke tahapan bosan sih (some of my friends said that I am going to feel bored eventually) karena selalu aja ada yang dikerjain setiap hari. Yah namapun ibu dengan satu toddler ya, what do you expect? Buuut, the useless feeling... oh God, I knoooow that we, mother, is the key to our child's future, that you do a very important job to raise your child well, and bla bla bla, but still. I am not feeling THAT important. Some post power syndrome? I used to deal with important client, managing their credit line, even decided whether we're gonna to give them billions to improve their business, but now all I have to do is preparing weekly menu and my kid lunches (which is still hard for me you know, because I really have nooo idea to do it before. Sop lagi sop lagi. Bayem lagi bayem lagi. Ha)

Buuut, as my husband pointed me (he's the best. Really) my condition is getting better nowadays. I am starting to laugh again. I rarely cry. My patience is in high limit now. Iya sih, harus saya akui, bisa tidur delapan jam itu is a great deal. Selain itu saya bisa melakukan banyak hal yang ngga bisa saya lakukan saat kerja. There is always bright side I guess, bagaimanapun ini keputusan yang saya ambil dan konsekuensinya harus saya hadapi bukan?

Soooo, what now? Yah, nikmatin dulu aja sambil leyeh-leyeh nonton series yang dari dulu dikumpulin terus-terusan tapi gak pernah ditonton-tonton. Say hello to Tom Hiddleston in The Night Manager please!

PS. Minggu kemarin, saya nonton Athirah, film terbarunya Miles dan Riri Riza. It's good in its own way, dan walaupun ada beberapa scenenya yang bikin gregetan abis, karakter Athirah ini bikin malu banget deh kalo misalnya lagi galau kelamaan. Watch it, it's so good.