January 14, 2018

To the Moon and Back

Punya anak berkebutuhan khusus membawa banyak perubahan di dalam hidup saya. Yang paling terasa sih, saya menjadi less-competitive person. Rasanya sejak kecil saya selalu diberikan ekspektasi yang (saya pikir) cukup tinggi, harus selalu rangking satu, masuk akselerasi, IPK almost 4, orang tua saya tidak mau menandatangani buku ulangan kalau nilainya dibawah sembilan. Saya menjadi orang yang sangat kompetitif, not that a bad thing, dan mungkin sedikit entitled (?) karena (hampir) selalu bisa memenuhi seluruh ekspektasi yang diberikan kepada saya. Menjadi mahasiswa di umur 16 dan lulus di umur 20? Lumayan juga kan?

Jeleknya, saya selalu merasa terlalu keras dalam hidup saya sendiri. Once, my boyfriend (now my husband) said to me, you treat yourself too harsh. Gak pede. Selalu merasa ada yang kurang. Perfeksionis? Entahlah. Dan ini terbawa sampai saya kerja dan menikah.

Ketika saya punya Zafran, jujur saya mengingatkan diri sendiri, saya HARUS menerima anak ini apa adanya. Maybe, I would be half tiger mom, but yeah.. I really didn't know. Eh, turned out ternyata Zafran memiliki speech delay. Anaknya impulsif. So far Zafran tidak (belum?) didiagnosa masuk ke spektrum autis atau ADHD, tapi impulsivitasnya dinilai cukup tinggi.

Dan, punya anak seperti Zafran mengubah saya. Bisa dibilang hikmah? I don't know. But I learn to slow things down. Cool it a bit. Let it go. Ada beberapa jenis orang di hidup ini, ada yang menganggap hidup sudah sulit, why's so serious? Ada yang menganggap kerja keras dalam hidup ini sangat dibutuhkan karena untuk itulah kita hidup. Saya juga tidak tahu yang mana yang paling benar. Tapi saya belajar kalau ternyata menyederhanakan sesuatu, mengambil "pause" dalam hidup itu penting. Saya nggak mau mengatakan ini pengorbanan, karena saya yang memilih untuk punya anak (walau beberapa kali tersirat dalam hati sih, duuuuh Mama rasanya sudah berkorban banyak banget buat kamu nak..) jadi untuk bilang saya sudah berkorban demi Zafran rasanya gak fair kan?

Saya belajar untuk memperlambat hidup. Being less-competitive. Berhenti kerja, which is not gonna happen with five years ago-Dela. Gila lah, jadi wanita karir, memiliki gaji yang tinggi dan membawa keluarga saya ke next level wealthness itu salah satu goal saya dulu. Zafran masuk bilingual preschool? Zafran bisa menyusun tiga kata tanpa tercerai berai aja saya sudah alhamdulillah.

Jadi, walaupun terdengar amat klise, memang segala sesuatu itu ada hikmahnya. Note to myself, punya Zafran itu ada hikmahnya.




--- this is a self reminder how lucky I am to have you, son ---

To the moon and back ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

January 01, 2018

Auld Lang Syne

As we grew up (or old?), hub and I started to ignore all these New Year brouhaha. This year is no exception. Yes, we ordered some deliveries but only because little one suddenly woke up at 10 pm and wouldn't get to sleep again. Guess he'd like to celebrate New Year after all. Or not. He was freaking out of firework. Not a big fan. He asked to be hugged every time he heard fireworks. So yeah.

2017 was awesome yet tiring for me. For us. We made some big decisions, life-changing ones (for us!). We spent almost half of our savings to renovate our little home. Thank God the result was amazing. But then, we made decision to move from that-said home to another city, simply because we wanted to live together as family, not having long distance one as we'd been living since many years ago.

So yeah, financially we're doomed. Haha. I was having severe homesick, although all this time I was the one who'd been buggering my husband to move out. I missed sleeping in my own bed, cooking in my own kitchen. But reality set in. Now this is our home too. Not perfect with freaking hot weather, but maybe let's try to live with it?

Little things happened too. I'd been learning to drive since last 2016, but in 2017 I started to drive on my own. 2017 marked the beginning of my job as my son's private Uber driver. Hahaha. Now I can proudly say that I've been experiencing some inter-state driving (and one of them, it was only both of us, my son and I, I still think it was some miracle), but I still sucks at parking. Why why why it's so difficult.

I do hope 2018 will be good to us. To everyone. I'll be 30 in 2018! Is it insane? Let's start the anti aging skin care regime then!