January 30, 2009

at last

At last, kamar gw di Medan udah kosong. Semua baju udah dilipet, dimasukin ke koper (yang gw ga ngerti kenapa jadi penuh gini, perasaan gw ga belanja apa-apa selama disini…. Oooh, ummm, mungkin ya satu dua sih), sepatu uda terpak rapi dibungkus sama plastik, meja rias gw juga udah melompong, all cosmetics have stayed in my beauty case calmly. Buku-buku udah dijejalkan dengan susah payah ke sudut-sudut koper gw, dan gw bertanya-tanya kemana gw harus naro kotak bika ambon yang bakal gw beli nanti siang.




It’s so awkward. Terkadang gw benci deh sama sifat gw yang kayak gini. Gw terlalu gampang terikat. Terikat pada suatu tempat, terikat pada suatu kejadian, terikat pada orang-orang, terikat pada rasa. Andesit pernah bilang kalo gw selalu membenci tempat baru, orang-orang baru, dan proses adaptasi yang baru juga, tetapi pada akhirnya gw akan berbalik mencintai setengah mati tempat itu, orang-orang itu, sehingga berat buat pergi. Gw SELALU begitu.


Tempat, orang, kejadian, rasa. Two months which feels like forever. Tapi, seperti Osamu Tezuka di dalam Buddha bilang, “Apakah artinya kehidupan manusia dibandingkan keabadian ruang dan waktu?”. Pada akhirnya, semua pun akan terlupakan. Mungkin, suatu hari gw akan bangun, dan bertanya-tanya, pernahkah gw mengalami itu? Atau semua cuma mimpi? Semua akan terasa absurd, dan ga nyata, sehingga gw akan berpikir keras buat mengingat semua itu. Kilasan pertemuan dan juga perpisahan bagaikan selintas kejadian, yang saking seringnya akan terlalu sakit jika disimpan baik-baik didalam pikiran. Gw selalu BEGITU. Prosesnya selalu sama. Benci ketika bertemu, menangis ketika berpisah, dan melupakannya beberapa saat kemudian.
Our minds are mystery, never know what is inside.


However, gw akan kembali ke Jakarta malam ini, jam setengah delapan. Kondisi mood hari ini: excited karena mau pulang, tapi juga sedih, karena… yaaah, people’s here are awesome. Gw ga pernah deket personally, tapi mereka bikin suasana kantor hidup. I’ll miss them. For real. Dan akhirnya, selesai juga satu episode kehidupan gw : Live in Medan. Gw ga tau, kemana lagi gw bakal dibawa. Everything’s possible. Mungkin juga gw bakal balik kesini lagi. Yeah, why not? Tapi, gw ga mau mikirin itu dulu. Let’s take holiday! Rencana gw, besok Sabtu, gw bakal pulang ke rumah gw di Sukabumi (geez, I am missing my mum deadly!), trus Minggu sore gw mau ke Semarang! Yipeeee, can’t wait ‘til meet Andesit! Gw kangen banget sama panasnya Semarang (walo Jakarta sama Medan juga ga kalah panas yaaaa?), anak-anak di kampus (pasti udah lebih sedikit, udah banyak yang diwisuda sih???), makan di kantin kampus, jalan-jalan di Simpang Lima!

Well, Semarang, just wait for me. I’m comiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!

January 28, 2009

(speechless)








maaf..
emosi gw..

no talent?




Grumbling on and on.
Once again, my desire of writing is wiped away. Some friends were saying that I am good enough in writing, nevertheless I am starting to think it was only some kind of jokes or baloneys. Until now, my writing is just like a soliloquy, with no bystanders. Of course, I am doing it for me, but with process of time, it doesn’t satisfy me again. Hell, I do not even know why I was blogging. Do I need some recognition?

It pushes me to start thinking of my talent. People born with their own talent, don’t they? It was there, so we can’t help but receive as we are. The thing is, will they come out if we ignore it and never sharpen it? Will we know if we do have IT, will we realize it as our gift? What if we never realize it and it keeps hiding in the deep? What if some people are destined with no conscious of their talent?

And, sometimes I start to think, is it true that EVERYONE born with their talent? We can’t ensure it, right? Geez, after so long, trying hard enough to dig away all of my talent, and finding nightmare that exactly we don’t have any. Is it scary?
I keep on thinking whether I have one. Talent. Most people in my life always give their best appraisal to me. They were commending on me, thinking I am good enough with my life. They said I am so TALENTED. Am I? What’s my talent, people?
Once again, I fall into my anxiety, lose my confidence and searching for the worse part of me. We always envy with other’s garden, once my friend said. We are sooooo malice, so we can’t see the best of us. Maybe, it’s true. But maybe, it is also true that I don’t have any talent. I wasn’t born with that. I was destined with no talent.

PS. While writing this, one of my senior workmate in the office comes toward me, and he looks at some sketches I made in my desk. I sketch rarely, I even never ever want to share them with anybody else, coz they are so poor. They only consists of irregular scratches from my pencil (coz I hate draw using pen), and I doubt people can aware what it is. But, his face changes become unbelievable looks, and he starts picking up my sketches paper, and murmurs, “what a sketches! Are you exactly an engineer? You must have entered art class, right? Dear, you aren’t like engineering’s graduate!”
And I blush. Did I just find another talent?

January 16, 2009

MIND is more than a CUBE

Another ordinary day. I've lived my daily life calmful. there were sparks, surprises, but after all, everything comes dull. life works like an ocean. It swallows everything in the same manner, from tiny pebbles to something gigantic like the Titanic, and goes flat again within seconds, leaving no evidence of its unusual appetite.


My mind wandered more than my body could. She (yeah,my mind has double X chromosomes,hehe..no offence) flies to every places, every times, moments, even to wildest dream which never be thought before. My mind travelled a lot. Once, she went to Roma. Great city, full history. Visited Colloseum,watched gladiator. Walked through Titus Gate,toward Forum Romanum,and enjoyed what was left then. She decided to come to Vatikan too, fulfilled her passion for seeing Basilica Santo Petrus. No religion issues. It's all about history, and how we respect it.

Once, my mind went home. To a tiny little room. Single bed, two dolls, a big mirror, and a closet, full of books. She played alone, opened a wood box, read old diaries, all from her pasts. She laughed when remember sweet and funny thing, cried when read sad memories. She freezed a while when found an album. Some pics from a past. It was her. Happy, smiled, between her grandpa and grandma. They're already in heaven now. She sighed, but realized then, best do is honesty.

From home, she rushed to her second home. Place where she spent her adulthood, through her sweet 17, far away from family and home. Place where she finally anchored her heart. She walked, tried to remember everything she has learned here. She smiled, when she saw messy house, full of smokes. She entered it, found some guys were chatting. Some are smoking, the other feed colorful fishes in aquarium. They teased each other. They made dirty jokes about anything. They're pervert, sometimes, but she knew that she'll love them always.


Life's maybe dull,people. But, not with your mind.

January 15, 2009

Hujan, Madu, dan Milkshakes.

Hari ini hujan dari pagi.deras.rasanya sulit sekali untuk menolak tempat tidur yang nyaman dan hangat,dibanding dinginnya air di kamar mandi.belum lagi suasana yang begitu nyaman membuat gw ingin terus berguling,dan menulisi diary daripada bergegas ke kantor.
Tapi,apa boleh buat,kewajiban mengalahkan semua.ada rasa keterpaksaan,itu wajar,tapi memang harus dikembalikan pada keikhlasan.
Di jalan menuju kantor,gw melihat beberapa anak di lapangan futsal dekat rumah.asyik,ceria,main hujan.kadang-kadang memainkan air yang tergenang di beberapa tempat.berseluncur.
Gw tergoda.sungguh.ingin rasanya melepas blazer dan heels ini untuk bergabung dengan mereka.tak perduli dengan basah.tak perduli penyakit yang mengintai.tak perduli kemeja putih ini akan kotor,ternoda,dan mungkin tak bisa bersih kembali.tak perduli pandangan orang-orang yang mungkin akan melihat dengan tatapan heran dan curiga.

Gw termenung,berdiri diam.dunia berbeda sekali,ketika kita masih kecil.dunia anak kecil adalah dunia penuh pelangi,gulali,dan unicorn.anak kecil itu seperti madu.asli.murni.manis apa adanya.natural.tidak ada kepura-puraan.penuh kenaifan.
Dunia gw?gw ga bilang dunia gw seperti kopi yang pahit.itu cuma akan menambah sugesti keburukan tentang hidup.dunia gw adalah milkshake.manis.tapi karena campuran ini itu.bila ada bahan yang kurang,rasanya akan hambar.ada yang lebih,rasanya akan terlalu manis,sehingga orang akan malas meminumnya.dunia gw adalah dunia dimana komposisi harus diracik sedemikian rupa hingga menghasilkan sesuatu yang pas.
Madu adalah sesuatu yang alami,dan tidak serumit milkshake.untuk bisa menghasilkan milkshake yang sempurna,butuh pembelajaran.mungkin mencoba takarannya berkali-kali.trial and error.hingga ketemu resep pas untuk milkshake yang sempurna.
Madu dan milkshakes.

Allah Maha Besar,hanya dengan ciptaanNya,hujan,gw bisa melanglang buana dalam pikiran gw.

Ps.for the greatest bro ever,happy birthday to u!too fast,i know..but u dont mind,rite?hope u've found right mix for ur milkshakes,he..

January 13, 2009

Keutuhannya tercermin...

"seseorang seharusnya mencintai seseorang,karena menemukan keutuhannya tercermin,bukan karena enggan dengan kesendirian"


And i whimped,scared,like little puppy.
It just.. I dunno,what if in evident,i love because there's unwilling for solitude?am i honest enough with me?
Sounds like hypocrite,if i deny all.peoples do feel fears when they're alone.


Even,i cant decide what is real.what's love for me,after long time i've walked on.

January 06, 2009

STUFFS

nothing's significant today, and it's just like any other ordinary days.. (remember single from Vanessa Carlton? yeah.. life is like uh-so-boring, oops! i sigh again! very bad of me..)

just wanna tell you some unimportant stuff.

1. happy birthday for my very bestest friend, Lan!!!!
we've been best friend for a long time, and i've done various ways to say happy birthday, but it's my first time to express it via blog. hope she'll be happy.
u turn 21, gal!!!! it's unbelievable how time change rapidly. yesterday, we were naughty girls, played around, flirted some guys (oh yeah, we also do it now), and now.. voila! suddenly, you're 21!!
dear, time passes by, and now you're getting older, but remember? we used to say "Old is a must, but maturity is a choice. so, are u ready to get mature?


2. I found very motivating blog. it would great to read it. click here.


3. yesterday, i read very good book, titled "Kartini Nggak Sampai Eropa", written by Sammaria, published by Gagas Media. i seldom refer any kind of books or movies or musics, but it's too good to be indifferent. read it. it only costs 26 thousands rupiahs, and u will find an honest story inside.


4. mum called me last night, and we chatted about her friend's daughter's wedding party unintended. um, i must say i was a bit shocked when mum mentioned its budget. well, pick a number and place eight zeros behind. i just don't believe it, how can people spend lotsa money for one-night-party????
haha, i have no idea how i'll celebrate my wed, my mum laughed when i asked her. sounds ridiculous, must be another way, so we must not pay a lot.
Lan propose that we should join our wedding party, and hold it at her home's backyard, so we can economize our budget. uhm, it's nice idea, isn't it?


5. internet connection's here was suck! ooops, sorry I cursed.


6. o yeah, i bought pink cardigan from Marks & Spencer with 50% discounts!! yay!


7. i got 4 sks in english here. don't u believe that? i used to translate tool box meeting guide here, self assessment, and any other stuff for quality control things. let's see the bright side, i raised my knowledge in QSHE of course, but please, i hope i got another job.


8. can't wait 'til i go back to Java!! there are lot things to do!


ps. oooooh.... people... i miss you muuuuuch!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 05, 2009

Ngeracau...

When any other people competed for creating new goals to be achieved this 2009, i didnt.
I even didnt have any passions to do that.i am powerless.
Love feels unexist when people you love most are far away. They became absurd,their existences seems unreal,and i doubt myself whether it's true or not. I always believe in love,as strong as my belief to God,but it's just getting more complicated for myself.

'Why people love?'
once,my bro asked me.
'to be protected?to be happy?to be secure?'

i nodded,
yes.
I like being protected.
I wanna live happily ever after.
I hate being insecured.

But...
What if those reasons means that i only think my only importance? That i am so selfish? Is it about me? Only me? Are people only love theirselves exactly,and all the loves in the world are just sugar-coating for the truth?that we are some narcistic-selfish creatures?

I have no idea why i post those things. Long distance really made me mad. Knowing they were there,loving me much,but i can't feel them. What a love. How weird.

Being far away with my mates,my fam,my bf makes worst side of me coming to surface. It's what i really am. Cynical. Pessimistic. Coward,yeah..maybe..

What a theory!!
Mad with people telling me to be patient. I was. I was patient enough,people. I am so thankful of your caring,but please,bring out any other solutions!


Geez, it's dull. Bad writing. I dunno why i still publish it.