a new life

it's me again..

this month, I've spent much time for writing in this blog..dunno, I have a feeling that I'll have less time for blogging after starting my new life..
I'll go to Jakarta today,in next two hours. It scares me..
mungkin, cuma orang - orang pengecut aja yang takut buat memulai sesuatu yang baru, dan even I hate being called as a loser, I'm still frightened.
gw masih bertanya - tanya aja, bakal jadi apa hidup gw disana, kayak gimana keseharian gw yang bakal beda jauh sama hari - hari gw ke belakang..

Mingu - minggu ini penuh sama perasaan gelisah. I can't concentrate of everything, be unfocused, pessimistic. I didn't show it to anyone, I denied this feeling, but it was there. Ada ngehantuin pikiran gw.. As I said before, human can easily be influenced by their own mind. today, I only have negative thinking in my mind, and it says that I can't through it all.

Silly..
Padahal gw sering nasihatin orang tentang being positive, trust ourselves, being confident, hahaha.. gw sendiri ga bisa netapin itu hari ini..
Gw capek banget.. Mobilitas gw akhir2 ini padat banget.. Gw baru kemaren nyampe dari Semarang, sekarang harus pergi lagi ke Jakarta..
Packing and unpacking has been my life for this week. Capek banget. I'm doing everything alone, and it makes me nervous.
I've been trapped in my own emotion, my PMS, geez...it's easier to run..
ga tau, kenapa tiba - tiba jadi manja..
helluw,ini Jakarta gitu.. ga lebih jauh dari Semarang. I can go home whenever I want (of course I won't, kayak ntar kalo udah kerja, bisa cabut kapan aja..)

Gw malu ngeluh terus, gw malu jadi lemah kayak gini.. I should thankful for everything. Sometimes, people never be thankful and always ask for more. I don't wanna be kinda it. Gw mau terus maju, meski gw ga tau ada apa di hadapan gw..
gw pingin trus semangat, walo hari - hari gw ga bakal kayak dulu lagi.
I've wondering kapan ya gw bisa ngisi blog gw dengan sesuatu yang lebih ceria??
Akhir - akhir ini kayaknya isinya sendu, melankolis,hehe..ga banget deh pokoknya!!
hope I'll gonna keep writing, still in this way, and always be myself in my new life..

Au revoir! See u later!

Here I am,sitting on the bus which taking me home.. I really GO HOME for now,which means I've done with my college's life,back to my home for a while,and preparing my new life in our country's capital.. It's so hard..there's no farewell,I just sent few messages to my closest friends..
Always hard to say goodbye,although it doesn't mean that we won't meet again..but,y'know..things'll never be the same again.. I've been living my 4 years-college life with them,can't imagine how life would be without them..
Basecamp guys,basecamp girls..I am missing them now..only God know how much I love,how much I care..sounds childish,but hope there's a way for us living like this forever!

Andesit,the other reason of my sadness today..
Honestly,I feel absurds. The thing is his existence influences me much. I used to be with him,and it will need hard adaptation to make myself common of his absent.
Dunno what'll happen,and how long it takes,but I'll try..simple,because I love him..

Leaving my boarding home,where I've stayed for 2 years,gives me a consious that I'll face new life (u can read at my two last blogs)


I am watching outside my window. Things are running behind fast,my bus is taking me away from this city,from all memories,all silly things in past..
I'll be moving foward,to my future,outta this city..
Maybe I'll come back,
Someday,

So... 'til we meet again?

It's raining outside,quite hard..it was very hard exactly,like a storm,I am serious..lotsa fallen trees along my way to campus,even it's forbidden to anyone who like coming towards..
Like a weirdo,I ran outside my boarding home,got through a rain,
I am not kinda person who adores rain.. I hate being wet,esp.my feet..ergggh!my mum asked me buying her batagor,geez..where d hell I'll going to find that?!
Admitting some voice who forced me to stay,I went and looked for it..
Even we--my boy and I-- used car (btw,thx to andesit's dad who lend me his car),not motorcycle like we used to be,we still got wet!
Rain came through our car's window,sprinkled,and I felt I was running outside,damn!

I blamed my mum,her jerk request,it was very difficult looking foward batagor in after Lebaran-day like this!

Finally..we didn't find it!
I bought my mum bread,made sure for myself that she would understand..

Huh,know what's going on?she even didn't remember ordering that BATAGOR!
Geez!
After all sacrifies... I dunno what to say,my mother is windy person..

Jealousy..Goals must be created!

let's creating goals!!!

once I was reading very great blogs, futagoza by sherina munaf and brainstorm by eva celia lesmana..

Weeew... I was shocked!!!
No way, what a damn perfect English!!!
I envy them...especially Eva Celia.. (visit her blog, you can find it in mine, I've made a link). How come a 15 years old girl could write narration like that!!! So deep, full of very complicated vocab, it is very unusual!!

Hehehe... I'm a little bit jealous.. They--two girls above--must be influenced by situation around. C'mon, nowadays, what things that couldn't be got by socialite like them???
he, I'm a little bit jealous..I don't blame anything or anyone, just feel any regret, why didn't I try harder then?? I've been facilitated, but I was quite calm. I had no ambition, no spirit being a better person.. I just felt everything was quite good enough..

I was wrong.. Everyone says that I am good in English, so talented, but see the two young lady!!! How great they are!! I can't be compared with them, and it's my fault..
So, let's creating our own goals from now! Don't be afraid to imagine as high as you can.. most important is you've thought about it..writing them down is the 1st step..and you know, thousands steps is started by a small 1st step..

what's your goal???
let's think about it from now..

Last night in the greatest room ever..

Breathless...

It's ending of a journey,
My own journey..
Lying on my bed in Semarang, I'm typing on my cell phone,writing this blog while thinking..
There were many things have been happened.. Sad, happy, guilty..
Love, hate, so much emotion I've already feel here..
My room in Semarang isn't quite big...
Even you can call it small..
But,dare me,I feel no place could give any safety or comforty like here..

I'll be missing this place..
Honestly, I'm missing it now..
On my own ego, I don't wanna let it go..
I juz wanna being here, here in my usual place, place which needn't any adaptation or explanation..

I dunno, but I have to go,
Leaving all these things away.. It really makes me senseless.. Do I do the right way?

I'm sick of these whole moving things!
I've already packed.. My room is so messy now,it's full of many packs..
My mother is here,sitting next to me,but she says nothing,,
Perhaps she thinks that I can through it all alone,but I don't think so..

Man grows, people change..
Like or dislike, I have to leave.. Noone force me, it should come from my own consious, that I must go on, no matter what will be leaved..

I'm gazing at my trapesium ceiling.. It's full of dust and spider's web..
I'll be missing my ceiling..
Nope, I'm not kidding.. It has been 2 years,so riddiculous,if you say we-me and my room-aren't mean to be..
We've been tied up to a bond..something I can't understand..

Realize this room will be someones someday,it hurts me..
Say I am so dramatic,yup,I am Mrs.Drama Queen,but nothing can change my feeling tonight..

I see my mother..
She seems sleepy.. She says,'gosh dela..put your cell phone,please..go to sleep,it's already night'

It seems I must end this up..

P.U.J.I.A.N?????

"blog km bagus ya....keep writing...kalo bisa in english...biar sekalian belajar writing...mana tw ntar lanjut s2....i'll keep follow you writings...it is really great...i mean it!"

Humm...it feels so good pas baca salah satu testimoni yang gw dapet di friendster dari seorang senior yang ummm... should I write his name??? kayaknya ga usah yaaa,,, ntar dia besar kepala lagi.. just call he is Mr. Nice guy,hohooo,,,

What's the point???
The point is everybody love compliment!!! Yeah...who won't??
I love it too..
Bukannya "gila pujian" ya..
But compliment can make us feel better, feel a little respect from anyone..

Awal gw ngeblog juga, tujuannya emang bukan diliat orang siiih..just wanna to share my feeling, nothing else,,
I used to write in my diary..jujur uda banyak banget jumlahnya..
so, kenapa ga gw coba nge-blog???
I didn't expect someone read this (all my writings) and make any judgement..
I didn't expect any comment, I don't care whether anyone care or not..
The point is I made it for my own reason..

Tapi..
Tau kalo seseorang baca tulisan2 gw, it feels so good!!!
Sumpah gw ga boong, gw ngerasa lebih dihargai aja..Lebih diperhatiin..
Yup, people do need emphasis too..
Hal itu bikin gw lebih semanget aja..semanget buat nulis, semanget buat ngembangin tulisan-tulisan gw..

Sekali lagi, intinya pujian itu penting..
jangan takut buat memuji orang lain.. (tentu aja dalam batas kewajaran)
Kamu ga bakal pernah tau, apa yang nanti terjadi sama seseorang yang kamu puji..
Sapa tau, itu bakal nambah kepercayaan diri orang itu, bakal bikin dia ga minder lagi, atau bahkan ningkatin kekuatan pikirannya!!!
Never underestimate the power of mind!!!
Inget filosofinya "The Secret" kan??
"Apabila kamu memikirkan sesuatu yang positif, pikiranmu akan mengirim sinyal positif ke alam semesta, dan alam akan membalas sinyal positif itu padamu"
(bener ga sii??pokoknya intinya gitu..)
Tapiii, tau sendiri kan, kalo pikiran manusia selalu dipenuhi sama negative thinkings yang ga jelas..
So..disinilah peran pujian itu..
Buat membangun kekuatan positif dari pikiran manusia!!!

Jadi...
ga ada salahnya memuji orang..
We do love compliment,right????

god...say it doesn't happen to my life...!

Can't breath..

that's what I feel..
I really have no idea where'll I go, what'll I do for my next future..
that's so riddicoulus,,

Setelah semua yang uda dikorbanin buat nyelesain kuliah..so, what next???
harus ngapain??

Realize, it's all about achieving your dream..
Your real dream, without any influence from anyone else..
(honestly, someone told me this..thanks a lot mas..sorry for being so annoying and spoiled,hehee)
Tapi, gw masi bingung, sebenernya apa yang mau gw cari sih di hidup??Apa??

Dan yang lebih annoying lagi, di saat gw uda make sure with one decision, pihak2 laen dateng dan ngebuyarin semua planning gw!!!
(baca pihak2 laen itu sebagai "ayah, ibu, tante, oom,dan semua keluargaku")
Kenapa siiih???That's my life, nobody can take that away from me!!
Tapi, emang disini losernya gw...gw ga bisa nolak perkataan, "cuma sekali ini kami minta...masa kamu ga mau ngebahagiain kami???"

I feel like a doll, unself-controll, HARUS selalu ngikutin semua yang mereka pikir terbaek buat jalan hidup aku ke depannya,,
Buat masalah itu, bukankah ga ada yang tau??
damn, I can't pick a suitable label for myself..
LOSER...LOSER BANGET SIH GW...
KENAPA GW GA BISA BILANG "ENGGAK!"

God, please show me the way..
I was scared,,
I do now...
Feels so hopeless, ya 4jji....
They say "you will be really hurt by the people you love most.."

I do feel it now..

suatu saat setelah kelulusan..

Job seeker...


Itu status gw sekarang..

yaaah, nama lain dari pengangguran siiih..

Sumpah, sirik banget kalo liat temen - temen gw yang lain udah pada kerja, ga minta duit lagi dari orang tua..

Tapi mau bagaimana lagi..kerjaan datengnya kan ga bisa dipaksa.
Kalo emang udah ada rezekinya, pasti akhirnya kita dapet juga..

Susah pastinya, buat jaga perasaan superior, dan berpikir, "kok dia bisa keterima sih, padahal gw merasa lebih baek daripada dia..???"

Tapi, inget aja, fate dan destiny orang itu beda-beda..
Jangan sampe ngerasa iri dan dengki sama posisi orang lain..
Siapa tau suatu saat nanti dia yang bakal ngasih kerjaan ke kamu..
Yakin aja, just believe..
You'll get it..
You will..when you believe..

Seseorang pernah ngomong ke gw, kunci kesuksesan itu ada 5..
Berani, semangan, SABAR, IKHLAS, dan tawakal..
Gw tau dua point kapital di atas sulit banget dijalanin, apalagi sebagai seorang mahasiswa yang baru lulus, yang idealismenya masih meledak - ledak..
Tapi, as human, all we've got to do is try, work hard, pray..

Dan gw berusaha melakukan itu semua..